My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
You Might Also Like
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
The pasta is now
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!