I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
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Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol