She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
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what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that