Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
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I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
BRO LMFAO
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.