Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
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*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Do not levitate over flowers
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
A choir of Spring onions
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like