Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
how much for the angry fruit?
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader