If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
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What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.