Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
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no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.