Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
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I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
choose your fighter
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
This is hilarious….
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.