According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
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“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Personal question. #JustSaying