All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
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Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
multitasking lunch
“You’d better run, egg!”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime