I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
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Worst perfume name ever.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary