law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
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If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.