My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
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I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?