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When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Kermit goes Blue.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.