Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
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Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
That de-escalated quickly
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*