[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
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COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…