Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
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Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations