I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
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Found the job I’m suited for
Doctors texting each other.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…