GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
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[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Breaking news:
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec