Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
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Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro