my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
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Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
this chia pet tastes awful
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.