But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
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Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this