I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
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When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*