PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
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If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
I think we should hear other voices.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Cat is stressing him out.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.