I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
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If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
i hate you platonically