*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
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It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.