an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
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“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.