People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
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*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
everyone has that one prude friend
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I have a new favorite meme page