There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
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My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*