Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
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To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Good advice.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.