My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
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Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
How to properly lift a body
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Harsh but fair
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton