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“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
ibopfufen
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
inside you are two wolves
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me: