There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
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6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My blood type is coffee.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.