Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?