You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
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Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
u guys got any snacks onboard here
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?