Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
You Might Also Like
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Hot Hot Hot
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
i spent way too long on this
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?