Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
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“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?