Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
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I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen