I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
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Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
🤣🤣🤣
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.