all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
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Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
🙂🙃🥹
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.