I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
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[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.