[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
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Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I’M CRYINGGG
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.