When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
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[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop