I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
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bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.