Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
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We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
This did not end as expected.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
It do be feeling this way.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*