me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
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MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.