the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
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*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool