“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Mission: Impossible
Wednesday
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.