My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
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HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs